One Good Thing Happened

I got the job, I got the job... I start the job on 8/15!  I'm beyond grateful and relieved. I'm moving away from 13 years in telecom and venturing out into a new endeavor.  Ready for this... wait for it... the anticipation is driving you mad, I know... INSURANCE.  I know!  I know... it's beyond thrilling.  Okay, maybe it's not thrilling.  But it's not telecom and it pays ok and it's with a very strong company who offers awesome benefits and I get to start off with 2 weeks more vacation time than what I have now.  How can that not be great?  So, yeah.. something good happened and it feels so so so great!  Sometimes I can convince myself that we are cursed, in light of the horrible things that have befallen us in this past year. So, in some goofy way I feel like this is a sign that we aren't cursed and that perhaps more good things can come our way.  The tiniest smidgen of hope has trickled back into my soul.

Impatience Is Not Attractive

I may have mentioned before that I am a very impatient person by nature.  It's unattractive and though I wish I could, it's a trait of mine that I can't change. I want it and I want it NOW.  And if I can't have it now I want to know WHY. And I want to know if there's any way we can expedite it to make it happen SOONER.  It's horrific.  I hate this about myself.  So, when things go at their own pace, a pace I consider to be too slow, it eats at me and makes me anxious. Three things that I'm dealing with right now that are going at their sweet slow pace: weight loss, baby making and searching for a new job.  It feels like I have no control over if these things will happen and when.  So, I'm anxious... a lot.

Weight Loss: I can control what I put in my mouth, but I can't control how the scale or my body reacts. So, week after week I step on that scale and pray that I don't gain. I've had some good success though some weeks, I narrowly squeak by with a minor loss.  I'm pretty sure that the ice cream and beer that I've had this week will present me with my first gain since starting my weight loss plan (note: the beer and ice cream were not consumed at the same time but as I write this, I think a nice Guinness ice cream may be very delicious...).  It's hard to lose weight, and I want it to happen more quickly- especially since I'm trying to have a baby.  I wanted to start that baby making journey about 15-20lbs lighter than I am now. I lose sight of my goals and then an ice cream sneaks in here, an extra helping of croutons on the salad sneaks in there. I suppose if I started exercising more I would have faster results.  Okay, so there are some things I could do to speed it along.  Maybe I need to shut up about this one and just move on to the next...

Baby making: Oh, this painful, stressful, anxiety producing journey. I went from getting pregnant really easily and quickly with my daughter to suddenly having hormone, ovulation and ovary issues. It would be so different if I had my beautiful daughter in my life; I could at least say, "Look at her!  I made her and she's perfect and if I don't get pregnant ever again it's OK because I have HER."  But, I don't have her, which means I have nothing.  Nothing but irregular ovulation and discussions with my doctor about cervical mucus, which never ceases to disgust me despite it being a natural thing within my body. The unknowns: Am I ovulating?  Yes, ok... good.  Why am I ovulating late?  Who knows.  Wanna try Clomid to regulate your ovulation?  Yup.  It could cause difficulty in getting pregnant due to increased cervical mucous.  Uhm... gross... ok.  Gonna take your temperature every morning, first thing?  Yup.  Gonna track it like a good girl?  Yup.  Gonna take these pills that make you feel dizzy, drugged and dumb? Oh yeah, you bet.  Gonna pay $50 for a slew of ovulation tests?  Great idea.  Gonna pee on a stick for the next 20 days of your life?  Ok  And then you're going to have precise, planned, orchestrated sex on very specific days at very specific times in hopes of getting it right. That ok?  Yeah.. I guess...  UGH.   Exhausting.  Slow.  Completely at the mercy of my body and timing.  And I hate it.

I'm so tired just even writing this blog today. These topics exhaust me.

New job:   So, yeah... I've had enough with telecommunications. I've been in it since 1998 and for some that might offer comfort; knowing an industry so well and all.  For me, I feel like I'm being slowly strangled by a noose made of coax cable.  I'm grateful for the opportunities that this industry has provided me, both personally and professionally.  But, if I want to get up every morning and not hate my life I need  to get out of here.  Like, immediately.  So, I've been applying to places and I don't need to go into great detail here. I just want to point out that our economy is in the shitter so... well, that about covers it.  There's very little out there.  It's a slow slow slow process. One I wish I could make faster.

So that's it.  I'm impatient.  It's hard to let life unfold at its proper pace.

Goat Cheese and Kitty Litter

If I try to look on the bright side of things; I was able to eat sushi and drink beer last night without thought or hesitation.  I guess that's a positive.  And... uhhh... I have a few more weeks now where I can focus on losing weight so that's good, seeing as how I'm not at an ideal weight to get pregnant right now.  What else? I guess if I wanted to smoke a cigarette, sleep soundly on my stomach, sleep in late, booze it up, slam around in a mosh pit, get a new tattoo, eat some deli meat and clean the kitty litter without fear of toxoplasmosis then I am free to do so without concern for anyone other than myself.  But though I may try, sadly none of these things make up for not being pregnant.  But what else can I do but move forward and try to make life happy?  Or funny?  Or at least make it not hurt so bad...

Maybe I'll have some wine and unpasteurized goat cheese later.

re: So Much Hope

Regarding my previous post from 7-11-11, "So Much Hope"...

As of this morning, all hope is lost. I am incredibly sad, as I truly felt we had a shot. I'm off to call the doctor to let them know the newest development and determine next steps.

Life wasn't supposed to be like this. I should have had a 2 month old in my house right now and instead I have nothing. Back at stage zero, again.

So Much Hope

I have been having some fertility issues the past few months. I've never had them before but of course now that I am relying on certain areas of my body to do what they would naturally do within a defined time frame, they refuse to comply.  So 2 ultrasounds, several ovulation tests and a few rolls in the hay later, I was told that I just have to wait to see if I get my period in the next week or so and if I don't get it that I may be pregnant. Then again, if I don't get my period I may not be pregnant and then I'll have to go back to my Dr. for further analysis to see what's going on. So not getting it doesn't mean anything until I take THE TEST.  And I was told that the earliest that I can take a pregnancy test and expect accurate results is this Friday;  5 days away. Waiting is something that I don't do well. I'm impatient in all areas of my life- it's rather unattractive.  So each day, several times throughout the day, I assess my crampiness and over analyze every twinge and ache.  This morning I woke up and was certain I would go to the bathroom and see that I had started my period- alas, nothing (thank God).  I'm feeling up my boobs several time throughout the day to see if they ache- which they don't.  Aching could mean PMS or pregnancy so I don't even know why I bother with that test.  Frankly, a lot of the PMS symptoms I would normally experience are also pregnancy symptoms; fatigue, cramping, aching, pimples, sore breasts... wow that sounds so fucking glamorous.  I would love someone like Angelina Jolie, who is considered one of the most beautiful women in the world, to come forward and talk about her pimples and increased cervical mucous.  As I've been going through this very difficult trying to get pregnant phase, I've started to feel like more of a medical specimen than a woman.  But, that's not the point of this post.  This post is about waiting and about how each day goes by without a period and I get closer to this Friday I get a little more hopeful that the test will yield a positive result.  And with more hope, comes increased fear that it may not happen. When I allow myself to admit how much I want this, the prospect of not having it is more painful than if I just throw myself into a forced nonchalant attitude and try to ride it out.  I may say, "what will be, will be", but the reality is that if THIS is my reality... trying and trying and pregnancy loss... well, I just don't know how I'll face that.

All I have is hope.  There's nothing else. So, with that I will hope that I don't get my period and I will hope that when I do take the pregnancy test on Friday that it will be positive. I will hope that the egg and sperm were of the highest quality and that the fertilized egg embedded in my uterine wall without issue. I will hope that the baby grows without complication and without chromosomal problems.  I will hope that the surgery that will be required to keep my cervix closed at 12 weeks will be successful. I will hope that I won't have an infection that will cause me to go into labor early and loose my baby, as I lost my sweet Avery.  I will hope that there will be no contractions or bleeding throughout my pregnancy. I will hope that when they cut out the cerclage at 36 weeks that I will not go into labor for another 3-4 weeks after that. I will hope that when I give birth that everything will go well and... I will hope that I will have a beautiful and HEALTHY baby in my arms for my husband and I to raise and love forever.  And we will honor BOTH of our children, one living and one dead, for the rest of our lives.  Those are my hopes.  With those comes a million fears that I try not to think about.