I have been having some fertility issues the past few months. I've never had them before but of course now that I am relying on certain areas of my body to do what they would naturally do within a defined time frame, they refuse to comply. So 2 ultrasounds, several ovulation tests and a few rolls in the hay later, I was told that I just have to wait to see if I get my period in the next week or so and if I don't get it that I may be pregnant. Then again, if I don't get my period I may not be pregnant and then I'll have to go back to my Dr. for further analysis to see what's going on. So not getting it doesn't mean anything until I take THE TEST. And I was told that the earliest that I can take a pregnancy test and expect accurate results is this Friday; 5 days away. Waiting is something that I don't do well. I'm impatient in all areas of my life- it's rather unattractive. So each day, several times throughout the day, I assess my crampiness and over analyze every twinge and ache. This morning I woke up and was certain I would go to the bathroom and see that I had started my period- alas, nothing (thank God). I'm feeling up my boobs several time throughout the day to see if they ache- which they don't. Aching could mean PMS or pregnancy so I don't even know why I bother with that test. Frankly, a lot of the PMS symptoms I would normally experience are also pregnancy symptoms; fatigue, cramping, aching, pimples, sore breasts... wow that sounds so fucking glamorous. I would love someone like Angelina Jolie, who is considered one of the most beautiful women in the world, to come forward and talk about her pimples and increased cervical mucous. As I've been going through this very difficult trying to get pregnant phase, I've started to feel like more of a medical specimen than a woman. But, that's not the point of this post. This post is about waiting and about how each day goes by without a period and I get closer to this Friday I get a little more hopeful that the test will yield a positive result. And with more hope, comes increased fear that it may not happen. When I allow myself to admit how much I want this, the prospect of not having it is more painful than if I just throw myself into a forced nonchalant attitude and try to ride it out. I may say, "what will be, will be", but the reality is that if THIS is my reality... trying and trying and pregnancy loss... well, I just don't know how I'll face that.
All I have is hope. There's nothing else. So, with that I will hope that I don't get my period and I will hope that when I do take the pregnancy test on Friday that it will be positive. I will hope that the egg and sperm were of the highest quality and that the fertilized egg embedded in my uterine wall without issue. I will hope that the baby grows without complication and without chromosomal problems. I will hope that the surgery that will be required to keep my cervix closed at 12 weeks will be successful. I will hope that I won't have an infection that will cause me to go into labor early and loose my baby, as I lost my sweet Avery. I will hope that there will be no contractions or bleeding throughout my pregnancy. I will hope that when they cut out the cerclage at 36 weeks that I will not go into labor for another 3-4 weeks after that. I will hope that when I give birth that everything will go well and... I will hope that I will have a beautiful and HEALTHY baby in my arms for my husband and I to raise and love forever. And we will honor BOTH of our children, one living and one dead, for the rest of our lives. Those are my hopes. With those comes a million fears that I try not to think about.
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