Thursday, April 29, 2010
My Ears Are Hot
Burning burning burning burning burning because I have to take part in your downfall. Because I have to speak up regarding your agitated outbursts and isolation. Because I have to talk about my discomfort with your angry demeanor and concerns about my own safety. Fuck you! Do us all a favor and get the hell out of here so my ears can stop burning.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
A List Means You Aren't LISTening
I have lists everywhere. Grocery lists, home repair lists, things to buy, things to throw out, lists of names, dates, important pieces of information... all written down on random scraps of paper that I usually end up misplacing. What to eat, what not to eat, what I have eaten. What to wear, what to bring, how to get there, what time to show up. Things to say, things to do, things not to say or do. It's kind of exhausting but so necessary... at least for me. I love the lists I find that have random numbers on them. There's one on my desk right now:
80
54
95
229
13
... that's very helpful information... whatever the fuck it is!
I probably have more lists than most because I have NO memory for anything. Some people say that not remembering conversations or movies or experiences is a sign that you weren't really in the moment and paying attention while those things were going on. In my case, that's NOT true. I am often in the moment and mentally present, but nothing "sticks". It never stays with me, which can be both good and bad. I forget the really shitty things that people have done and said to me. And I forget the really beautiful and amazing things that people have done and said to me. I kind of feel cursed by it, sometimes. A slight anxiety fills me when someone says, "remember when..." . Sometimes I do. Very often I don't.
I think about how much of my life has disappeared in my own brain. I think that's why I get weirded out about being old(er)... I don't remember living the life that got me to 36. Does that seem weird? I know it sounds stupid... but that's how it feels. Like the details of my life are wiped away and I have just a general sense of having been around for some time with some random memories, usually involving family, thrown in the mix. How did I get to 36?
I've exhausted myself.
80
54
95
229
13
... that's very helpful information... whatever the fuck it is!
I probably have more lists than most because I have NO memory for anything. Some people say that not remembering conversations or movies or experiences is a sign that you weren't really in the moment and paying attention while those things were going on. In my case, that's NOT true. I am often in the moment and mentally present, but nothing "sticks". It never stays with me, which can be both good and bad. I forget the really shitty things that people have done and said to me. And I forget the really beautiful and amazing things that people have done and said to me. I kind of feel cursed by it, sometimes. A slight anxiety fills me when someone says, "remember when..." . Sometimes I do. Very often I don't.
I think about how much of my life has disappeared in my own brain. I think that's why I get weirded out about being old(er)... I don't remember living the life that got me to 36. Does that seem weird? I know it sounds stupid... but that's how it feels. Like the details of my life are wiped away and I have just a general sense of having been around for some time with some random memories, usually involving family, thrown in the mix. How did I get to 36?
I've exhausted myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)