Losing Weight Never Tasted So Good

Trying to lose weight sucks. I end up eating things that I wouldn't normally eat because for some reason they suddenly seem extravagant and fulfilling...taboo. Maybe it's because after days upon days of eating the same yogurt, fruit, wheat pasta and salad greens the weird mix of flavors and foods satisfies me to a level it wouldn't normally. For instance last week I ate jalapeno peppers on Triscuts for a salty/spicy kick. In a normal world that would sound horrible but in the dieting world, it was exciting and kind of delicious. Woohoo, get out the maracas it's time for a fiesta!

This brings me to last night. Last night I wanted something sweet so I ended up having about 5 marshmallows- not the mini kind that you put in hot chocolate, but rather the awesome toast 'em over a camp fire kind.  That should have been good enough to satisfy me.  They're sweet and fluffy and remind me of being a kid so there's that hint of nostalgia mixed in which is always a nice bonus.  But it wasn't enough, I needed something more. I scoured the fridge and found the Yin to the Yang; caramel sauce. You know the kind of caramel I mean... Smuckers or something, goes on an ice cream sundae, gooey, the perfect mix of sweet and a little salty. I decided to squeeze it onto every bite and by "every bite" I don't mean 5 bites (one for each marshmallow). I took 3 bites per marshmallow- 15 squirts of caramel. Why did I do this? Was it a way to express my dessert creativity?  My culinary flair?  No... it was due to simple sugar desperation and lack of willpower. Who the fuck eats stuff like this?  I think that if I weren't dieting, the marshmallows would have been enough.  I should have eaten them slowly, without embellishment, savoring every bite. But instead, I ate them hurriedly as if I was taking part in a "How Fast Can You Eat 5 Marshmallows" contest (side note: if I were to take part in a marshmallow eating contest I think I'd be hard to beat. Should I feel proud or embarrassed by that?).  

So, whatever. It is what it is. I'm going to try and not have foods in the house that tempt me but right now it's hard to know what those foods are as my cravings and food combinations are abnormal. Today's lunch will be a tuna sandwich with some lite mayo, some mustard, capers and I'm going back to those jalapenos because those were good... and maybe a few crumbles of goat cheese?  Oh Jesus, that's gross... or is it totally awesome?!  

I Ain't Gonna Be No After School Special

Women spend all of their damn lives trying to prevent pregnancy. Growing up, fear of pregnancy was instilled upon us by sex-ed teachers, our parents (if you were lucky enough to have parents who weren't too uptight to actually talk about it) and cheesy 80's after school specials in which a teenage girl's life completely unravels when she becomes pregnant and has a baby.  Her friends dump her, she quits school, her boyfriend leaves her for another girl with far fewer responsibilities and a higher sex drive (I presume), she's poor and uneducated and her family makes her feel guilty and dirty at every chance. I remember watching it and if that didn't scare your legs closed, I have no idea what would.  The fear of being a social outcast with no possibility for any kind of future... let's just say that image may have stuck with me a little too long as it wasn't until 36 years old that I even considered that I might want to bring a child into this world. I spent my youth and a large portion of my adult life cursing the fact that I had to endure a period every month. "What's the point?  I'm never having a kid, anyway", I'd say.  But like with most things, they change. As did my feelings of becoming a parent when I met the right person and the time felt right. I threw out all the fears that I had harbored for years.  Fears about not being a good enough person to be a good Mom, about the state of the world itself and what my child might have to endure, about how hard life can be and about whether I was strong enough to handle it all.  I took a leap of faith and with all my heart and soul knew that I was ready to be someone's mother.  I felt it so deeply, and naturally. And it happened.  And then it was over, tragically.  And here I am now, cursing God, myself, my life, my decisions.

I am sometimes paralyzed with anger at the irony of it all as we try again for another baby, without success. Sometimes I can't even vocalize my disbelief- all I can do is shake my head. All those damn years of keeping sperm away from my eggs and now when I want it more than anything else, it's not happening. For reasons I'm unsure of, my body is not cooperating and though we haven't yet determined if it's temporary or correctable I like to torture myself with thoughts about how having a baby may never happen for us again. This Thursday, I will start what I presume will end up being a slew of doctors visits to determine what the issues are.

The time we had with our daughter was too brief.  We never had a chance to show her our love. Our future with her was wiped clean. We deserved a chance.  I know that life isn't fair and that bad things happen to good people.  But I never saw this as my fate; childless and not by choice.  Never.

Carolina Liar
"Show Me What I'm Looking For "


Wait, I'm wrong
Should've done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist

So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
To save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

It's Who You Know

It seems that so much of one's success hinges on who you know and who they know and what they're all willing do to for you.  It's all about connections. That's why popular sites such as Linkedin exist; so that people can network in hopes of catching a break when their career unexpectedly ends up in the shitter.  That's how I see it, anyway. Maybe it's for proactive career advancement and expanding business associations. Whatever it's for, I hate it and I'm not good at it and I don't want to network or connect with anyone on a business level (surprise, surprise), unless maybe if it's for my own business and I'm fighting tooth and nail to make it successful .  But to use it to show others that I'm important enough to associate with Directors or VPs, or as a way to cast myself based on my job title, no thanks!  The last thing I need is to be part of a cyber cocktail party with people I don't particularly like. I can barely manage Facebook and I generally like the people I speak with on there.  I don't need another social media site to have to monitor and update. But the byproduct of not participating in such things, and self imposed isolation, is that when you really need a career favor or help in identifying a new opportunity, you're totally screwed. And I mean, SCREWED.  You're lumped in with the rest of the faceless others who send resume upon resume to company HR email boxes, never to be responded to or acknowledged.  The impact a phone call can make from a VP, Director or a current employee of the company you are trying to penetrate to the hiring manager or HR lead is huge and undeniable. Knowing people opens doors, it creates opportunities. I hate schmoozing and kissing ass; it always feels so forced and contrived.  Those who are good at it call it something other than kissing ass; they call it networking.  Let's be honest here, there is a fine line between smart people getting together and sharing business ideas and building productive business relationships (networking) and people pretending to like the same things the CEO likes and laughing at his or her jokes in bad taste in hopes of standing out in the crowd, making an impression, catching a break, getting a promotion and making more money so they can buy the same BMW their new boss has (ass kissing).  It always feels like there is an ulterior motive.  And there is.  It frustrates me that those who have mastered this art and who don't mind forcing interactions can do very well for themselves.  VERY well. I've seen it with my own two eyes. And it makes me want to puke.

So what to do?  My husband is ready to take on a new career direction. He is burned out and is unhappy, to the point of  it spilling into his life outside of work. There's nothing worse than being miserable for 8 hours a day and then going home and being miserable at home because your day was shitty.  The only relief is maybe Saturday, and that's just not enough. He is incredibly smart, talented, hard working; all the things that make someone a desirable employee. Neither he nor I know enough people nor has he exposed his talents to others in such a way that he would have an "in" someplace.  I know how effective word of mouth can be, and we just don't have an advocate out there. So we will trudge along, with the masses, fighting for any opportunity thrown our way and hope that it's something worth his consideration.

If only we could both learn how to put aside our pride, gain a little ego, and pucker up. We'd be so rich.

From "Tao Te Ching"

I write this today simply because I love it so much and it's a good reminder for me.  To learn the appreciation and usefulness of what is not- the intangible and unseen-, well, that's just... it's just beautiful, to me.  A total shift in perspective.  Sometimes that is what's needed.

From "Tao Te Ching"

We put thirty spokes together and call it a wheel;
But it is on the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the wheel depends.
We turn clay to make a vessel;
But it is on the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the the vessel depends.
We pierce doors and windows to make a house;
And it is on these spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the house depends.
Therefore just as we take advantage of what is, we should recognize the usefulness of what is not.

Life Won't Happen on It's Own

I've decided I had better start living my life before it passes me by. Since we lost Avery, I've been in this holding pattern. First it was indescribable grief, in which I was paralyzed. I literally couldn't do anything even if I had wanted to. Then came the thoughts like, "well, maybe I shouldn't do this or that because what if I get pregnant again and everything becomes turned upside down?" That has lasted for a few months. And now I realize that I can't live that way. What if I never get pregnant again? What if I keep putting things off and five years from now I realize that I still don't have a child and I've also not accomplished anything I've wanted to? For instance, I've been wanting to volunteer at the hospital where I spent so many days and nights. I have felt a deep desire to try and soothe others who are in pain and are hurting. The hospital has a very intensive on boarding process and they like people to commit to at least a year of volunteerism because of the time and effort it takes to train them. So, I thought, "geesh, I'd hate to volunteer, only to pull out when I get pregnant". But, in honesty, it's been 4 months of doing nothing and there's no new pregnancy. That's 4 months I could have been making a difference in other people's lives (and my own) yet here I sit...waiting for life to happen and move forward on its own, somehow. So, I just have to make it move forward in the ways that I can control. That's what life calls for. I think that's what healing calls for- I take that back, healing... I don't know if that's the right word. That's what SANITY calls for.

Oh, I'm So Awkward

I'm am completely and utterly socially awkward. Everyone tells me that I'm not, but I totally am. I start off strong with good, and what I consider to be interesting, conversation. I'm funny and engaging at first, and then something happens at some point- and by "some point" I don't mean immediately... it could be several weeks. Actually, it could be anywhere between 10 minutes and years. It's like my inner weirdness ultimately comes out and it turns people away. My husband tells me I'm completely paranoid and that I'm very likable but he's only known me for a short time. This has been a constant in my life for years and years. I've never been good at friendships; making, maintaining, nurturing. I pretty much suck at it. I have a long list of people who I've dumped over the years for no other reason than I grew tired of the work it took to maintain their friendship. Some of these people I loved, deeply. And some of these people required little to no maintenance. So, what's the deal? It became too much work? Do I prefer to be alone most of the time? Truth be told, the answer to that one is yes. I love the company of others to an extent and then I want to be left alone. People must sense that. My own mother told me once, when I confronted her about why she didn't reach out to me as much as I'd like her to, that she saw me as a private person and she didn't want to interfere with my business. Ewwwww... I give off that vibe to my own mother enough so that she retreated. My MOTHER! I am a private person, that's true. And what I have learned about friendship, about any relationship really, is that you absolutely get what you give. If you put yourself out there and make an effort, that effort will come back to you. So, I know I'm bad at putting in the effort and then I wonder why I have no girlfriends to call to hang out with. I'm excellent at isolating myself from others... it's my specialty. The other thing is that I really do feel like I'm quirky. And my quirkiness makes me feel self conscious. Past experience has confirmed that very often, I just don't fit in. I don't. I don't fit in. I wish I did, but I don't and yeah, sometimes that makes me sad. That's not to say that I don't have some friends who get me, because I do (THANK GOD!). But, overall it's slim.

So, what am I to do? I don't fit in, but I want to. I want to be left alone a lot, but I don't want to. I want to be normal, but I'm quirky. I want to make new friends, but I don't know how- it doesn't come naturally. My husband said that he's going to help us make friends, which makes me laugh. He's going to attempt to arrange a dinner date with another couple from our loss and grieving support group. They are super nice and smart and interesting and I'm totally convinced we are none of those things and that though they might kindly agree to eat with us, they're doomed; as they will be tortured by our lame conversation and idiotic babble through the entire thing (low self esteem, much? yeah...). Frankly, I should make a correction... it wouldn't be OUR lame conversation and idiotic babble, it would be MINE. I hold the market on that, not my husband. He's neither lame nor idiotic. Apparently my husband is one of those guys that everyone likes- he was very popular in high school and college. And I can completely see that of him. There's no denying he's funny, engaging and plain NICE. Who wouldn't want to spend time with someone like him? Meanwhile, I'm a Woody Allen type, who is overly animated when talking about something I find exciting and has very few interesting life stories to tell- unless anyone wants to hear about how fucked up my childhood was. Those are some great stories! However, I fear that would further add to my isolation. I'll keep those stories under wraps for now. I am begging him not to attempt this forced social interaction- normal people might refer to it as dinner with friends. I call it certain failure.

Maybe my husband is normal enough for both of us. I'm counting on it.