Women spend all of their damn lives trying to prevent pregnancy. Growing up, fear of pregnancy was instilled upon us by sex-ed teachers, our parents (if you were lucky enough to have parents who weren't too uptight to actually talk about it) and cheesy 80's after school specials in which a teenage girl's life completely unravels when she becomes pregnant and has a baby. Her friends dump her, she quits school, her boyfriend leaves her for another girl with far fewer responsibilities and a higher sex drive (I presume), she's poor and uneducated and her family makes her feel guilty and dirty at every chance. I remember watching it and if that didn't scare your legs closed, I have no idea what would. The fear of being a social outcast with no possibility for any kind of future... let's just say that image may have stuck with me a little too long as it wasn't until 36 years old that I even considered that I might want to bring a child into this world. I spent my youth and a large portion of my adult life cursing the fact that I had to endure a period every month. "What's the point? I'm never having a kid, anyway", I'd say. But like with most things, they change. As did my feelings of becoming a parent when I met the right person and the time felt right. I threw out all the fears that I had harbored for years. Fears about not being a good enough person to be a good Mom, about the state of the world itself and what my child might have to endure, about how hard life can be and about whether I was strong enough to handle it all. I took a leap of faith and with all my heart and soul knew that I was ready to be someone's mother. I felt it so deeply, and naturally. And it happened. And then it was over, tragically. And here I am now, cursing God, myself, my life, my decisions.
I am sometimes paralyzed with anger at the irony of it all as we try again for another baby, without success. Sometimes I can't even vocalize my disbelief- all I can do is shake my head. All those damn years of keeping sperm away from my eggs and now when I want it more than anything else, it's not happening. For reasons I'm unsure of, my body is not cooperating and though we haven't yet determined if it's temporary or correctable I like to torture myself with thoughts about how having a baby may never happen for us again. This Thursday, I will start what I presume will end up being a slew of doctors visits to determine what the issues are.
The time we had with our daughter was too brief. We never had a chance to show her our love. Our future with her was wiped clean. We deserved a chance. I know that life isn't fair and that bad things happen to good people. But I never saw this as my fate; childless and not by choice. Never.
Carolina Liar
"Show Me What I'm Looking For "
Wait, I'm wrong
Should've done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for
Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord
Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for
Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord
Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
To save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
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