Life Won't Happen on It's Own

I've decided I had better start living my life before it passes me by. Since we lost Avery, I've been in this holding pattern. First it was indescribable grief, in which I was paralyzed. I literally couldn't do anything even if I had wanted to. Then came the thoughts like, "well, maybe I shouldn't do this or that because what if I get pregnant again and everything becomes turned upside down?" That has lasted for a few months. And now I realize that I can't live that way. What if I never get pregnant again? What if I keep putting things off and five years from now I realize that I still don't have a child and I've also not accomplished anything I've wanted to? For instance, I've been wanting to volunteer at the hospital where I spent so many days and nights. I have felt a deep desire to try and soothe others who are in pain and are hurting. The hospital has a very intensive on boarding process and they like people to commit to at least a year of volunteerism because of the time and effort it takes to train them. So, I thought, "geesh, I'd hate to volunteer, only to pull out when I get pregnant". But, in honesty, it's been 4 months of doing nothing and there's no new pregnancy. That's 4 months I could have been making a difference in other people's lives (and my own) yet here I sit...waiting for life to happen and move forward on its own, somehow. So, I just have to make it move forward in the ways that I can control. That's what life calls for. I think that's what healing calls for- I take that back, healing... I don't know if that's the right word. That's what SANITY calls for.