I may have mentioned before that I am a very impatient person by nature. It's unattractive and though I wish I could, it's a trait of mine that I can't change. I want it and I want it NOW. And if I can't have it now I want to know WHY. And I want to know if there's any way we can expedite it to make it happen SOONER. It's horrific. I hate this about myself. So, when things go at their own pace, a pace I consider to be too slow, it eats at me and makes me anxious. Three things that I'm dealing with right now that are going at their sweet slow pace: weight loss, baby making and searching for a new job. It feels like I have no control over if these things will happen and when. So, I'm anxious... a lot.
Weight Loss: I can control what I put in my mouth, but I can't control how the scale or my body reacts. So, week after week I step on that scale and pray that I don't gain. I've had some good success though some weeks, I narrowly squeak by with a minor loss. I'm pretty sure that the ice cream and beer that I've had this week will present me with my first gain since starting my weight loss plan (note: the beer and ice cream were not consumed at the same time but as I write this, I think a nice Guinness ice cream may be very delicious...). It's hard to lose weight, and I want it to happen more quickly- especially since I'm trying to have a baby. I wanted to start that baby making journey about 15-20lbs lighter than I am now. I lose sight of my goals and then an ice cream sneaks in here, an extra helping of croutons on the salad sneaks in there. I suppose if I started exercising more I would have faster results. Okay, so there are some things I could do to speed it along. Maybe I need to shut up about this one and just move on to the next...
Baby making: Oh, this painful, stressful, anxiety producing journey. I went from getting pregnant really easily and quickly with my daughter to suddenly having hormone, ovulation and ovary issues. It would be so different if I had my beautiful daughter in my life; I could at least say, "Look at her! I made her and she's perfect and if I don't get pregnant ever again it's OK because I have HER." But, I don't have her, which means I have nothing. Nothing but irregular ovulation and discussions with my doctor about cervical mucus, which never ceases to disgust me despite it being a natural thing within my body. The unknowns: Am I ovulating? Yes, ok... good. Why am I ovulating late? Who knows. Wanna try Clomid to regulate your ovulation? Yup. It could cause difficulty in getting pregnant due to increased cervical mucous. Uhm... gross... ok. Gonna take your temperature every morning, first thing? Yup. Gonna track it like a good girl? Yup. Gonna take these pills that make you feel dizzy, drugged and dumb? Oh yeah, you bet. Gonna pay $50 for a slew of ovulation tests? Great idea. Gonna pee on a stick for the next 20 days of your life? Ok And then you're going to have precise, planned, orchestrated sex on very specific days at very specific times in hopes of getting it right. That ok? Yeah.. I guess... UGH. Exhausting. Slow. Completely at the mercy of my body and timing. And I hate it.
I'm so tired just even writing this blog today. These topics exhaust me.
New job: So, yeah... I've had enough with telecommunications. I've been in it since 1998 and for some that might offer comfort; knowing an industry so well and all. For me, I feel like I'm being slowly strangled by a noose made of coax cable. I'm grateful for the opportunities that this industry has provided me, both personally and professionally. But, if I want to get up every morning and not hate my life I need to get out of here. Like, immediately. So, I've been applying to places and I don't need to go into great detail here. I just want to point out that our economy is in the shitter so... well, that about covers it. There's very little out there. It's a slow slow slow process. One I wish I could make faster.
So that's it. I'm impatient. It's hard to let life unfold at its proper pace.
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