Damn YOU and Your Good News

Everyone around me is either pregnant or has a new baby. The lady across the street, a new baby girl. The neighbor with whom our backyard shares a common fence and is so open to, due in August. My friend Karen, due in August. Her best friend, and mutual friend of mine, Amy...due in December. Scott's friend, due this fall. Girl I work with, her sister. Alison, whose every Facebook post is about her perfect chubby baby boy and how AWESOME he is. Suddenly everyone in our immediate circle and beyond is moving towards having a baby or has one already and here I am. Not pregnant. No baby in my arms. Starting from stage 0, and grieving hard. I don't know what I did in my life to deserve this. I'm resentful of everyone- EVERYONE who has what I don't have. Even if they've wanted it forever and it was a long road to get there. More so those who got drunk one night long enough to tolerate sex with their husband and got knocked up. "Oh, it was a SURPRISE", they say. I say GO FUCK YOURSELF! My neighbor being pregnant sucks because they are outside ALL the time. So, if we are outside and they are there it's like we are on top of each other. Today at lunch she was out there gardening with her flowing top and her protruding belly. I can't wait for the Saturday or Sunday afternoon when I am accosted with pink and blue balloons and a gaggle of loud women in her backyard as they have her baby shower. And then beyond, as they take their kid outside to play and there it is... in my face. I hate them. And I hate the "oops, look at us, we're pregnant" people. Man, I must have really fucked up in a past life or maybe in this life to have to endure this now.
Yesterday, when it was so nice outside, I told Scott that if Avery were alive I'd be outside with her, in the shade, letting her feel the warm breeze on her perfect face. Letting her smell her first smell of the lilac bush we planted... the sweet scent that was meant to fill her nursery through the open window as she napped. Why do I allow myself to even think that way? To even daydream about what COULD have been. What WOULD have been. What surely SHOULD HAVE BEEN! She's gone to me forever and she's not coming back. And what torture to think about what I'd be doing if she were still with me.