Signs

I'm a big believer in signs. They're not usually things that make me make huge, life altering changes or anything. Just small things that make me stop and ponder or kind of knock my socks off- sometimes they help heal my heart. I suppose what one might view as a sign, another might view as a weird coincidence and brush it off. But, I'm a true believer and ask the universe to give me signs as much as possible to help me navigate through this crazy world. Sometimes it happens and sometimes not.

When I was in my early twenties my Grandfather bought me a subscription to Reader's Digest. At first I thought it was kind of a weird gift, but I ended up loving it and looked forward to getting a new one in the mail each month. I ended up always equating my Reader's Digest subscription to my Grandfather. The subscription continued on for a few years, the last year being the year he passed. My Grandfather was the most important man in my life, for my entire life. I loved him beyond compare. When he passed away I was devastated- devastated doesn't even do it justice. If there is a word beyond devastated, that's what I felt. Only time has been able to heal the wound of losing him and even now when I least expect it, it cuts so deeply that I mourn the loss of him all over again as if it were new. A couple years after he passed I was having a day where I was thinking of him so strongly and missing him. I just couldn't get him out of my mind. Over and over my mind replayed the things I missed about him and I wondered where he was, IF he was, WHO he was now- all the things one thinks about when they lose someone, I suppose. I went home after work that day and checked the mail, as I always did. In the mail was an offer from Reader's Digest. I know for a fact that non believers would say, "So fucking what? Everyone gets those offers all the time." But, I hadn't received any correspondence from Reader's Digest for several years and suddenly there it was. I don't care if that makes me seem totally crazy. What it did for me was made me feel closer, if only for a second, to the man I missed so much and loved so much. For a moment, it made me feel like he was out there somewhere and maybe this was his way of letting me know that he's with me. It gets me through life so I don't really care if it seems crazy or not.

That brings me to Monday of this week. I was going through a stack of paperwork and bills. I came across some sympathy cards with their envelopes that people sent to us after we lost our daughter. I have a memory box with everything that we have regarding Avery and I had been meaning to put all the cards and envelopes in the box but hadn't put these few last ones in there. I was sorting them and I felt something hard in one of the envelopes. I put my hand in there an pulled out a tiny metal butterfly. Clearly it had fallen off the the card that belonged to that envelope, but I didn't notice it when I opened the card initially. So, in my hand was this tiny butterfly which I decide to put in Avery's box. When I went to her box, I noticed that there are butterflies all over it. I hadn't noticed it before because it's a very floral box with muted colors, so nothing really stuck out at me. But just then, I saw them... butterflies throughout. And my heart smiled, for the first time in a bit. For the first time since we said goodbye, I felt Avery with me. You can call it crazy or stupid all you want, but why would you? Why not believe that that was her way of reaching out to me? Her way of catching my attention through all the grief in my heart and buzz of a busy life to say, "I'm here with you... stop and see me... notice me all around you." I choose to believe it. Ironically, I've never been very fond of butterflies but I think my opinion of them has changed a bit. Avery is my little butterfly. God I miss her.